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something happened last week. i don't know why, but i let go of so many things all at once. and, now, i feel so ... relieved.

i noticed it at the party. i wasn't trying to impress. i wasn't holding back to make other people look better. i was just being me. and i didn't have to think about it. about who i was. about what was ok. i just relaxed and let it flow.

i suppose it's hard to understand for those of you who haven't known me that long or for those who haven't seen me very regularly over the last few years. but if you know me in the spring of 2000, that's how i feel now. i wear whatever, say whatever, think and do whatever. and i have no qualms about it. i keep coming back to that photo i have of jo3, killbot and i in walmart. i remember how i felt then. i really didn't give a shit if people thought i looked weird or said strange things or hung out with weird people because i was just so completely comfortable in everything i was doing.

i know exactly how i got away from that. it had everything to do with him. in order to play him up, i had to tone myself down, way down. and, that's completely typical of me. i'm surprised that i (the real me) lasted as long as i did with him. i chalk it up to the fact that we were complete and total strangers, though. it took me a minute to realize we were out of balance.

and, so, what have i learned? i don't know. i've recognized the behavior and it's motivations. still, i'm not sure i know how to combat it. you'd think just remembering how happy i am right now would be enough, but it's so easy to forget the good things. (how stupid that is!)

so, for the time being, i will remain quarantined in the land of singles until i can figure out how to deal with myself. and, really, i'm pretty content with that. life without drama has been so fucking good to me lately and i am definitely getting used to it.

XXX

HEY! did i tell you? i pulled an A- out of my calculus class. i told you i was amazing.

my parents will be coming home from vacation this week i think. *sigh* i am very reluctant to give back the altima (especially after all the gut-wrenching work i put into cleaning out the moldy chili mess under the seats). i have grown quite accustomed to the air conditioning, power windows and bumpin' ass system. all the more motivation to start making real money again i guess.

my financial aid FINALLY came through for the summer. they awarded me $2400 for six weeks. i fucking wish i could get them to pay me all of that, but i think i'll be lucky to rake in $800. oh well. every little bit helps.

i took another look at my financial aid awards for next fall and spring. i know everyone always bitches about not getting enough money, but i think i win the prize here (unless i know any convicted drug felons). i get $175 each semester. uhhh.... awesome. so, word to the wise, stay in school kids (and do well while you're there). aparently, uncle sam is unimpressed with W's. jerk.

well, i guess that's about it. tata.

Comments

( 10 comments — Say Something )
quarantine
Jul. 7th, 2004 03:22 pm (UTC)
Actually, I told YOU you were amazing.
Good job, toots.
shakewell
Jul. 8th, 2004 10:59 am (UTC)
true!

you ROCK!
surjay
Jul. 7th, 2004 08:31 pm (UTC)
Sounds good. I hope your positive feelings continue to flourish.
jwendl
Jul. 8th, 2004 06:06 am (UTC)
Good job with the calculus grade. I was amazed at my c- in that stupid class. Although I think the U of MN purposely fails kids to make them stay forever.
fallennothing
Jul. 8th, 2004 06:23 am (UTC)
Congrats on the calc grade. I was wondering if you were gonna hate me forever?
shakewell
Jul. 8th, 2004 11:00 am (UTC)
i don't hate you.

i think about calling you all the time. but i just really hate the phone. hate. hate. hate.
fallennothing
Jul. 8th, 2004 11:08 am (UTC)
i wanna see you real soon if your up for it.
chuwie
Jul. 8th, 2004 07:07 am (UTC)
Blessed with your company.
I had an awesome time hanging out with you and all the other fucks at Stew's party. It was especially fun getting drunk with you. I just wish that I hadn't had to work the next day so I could've went along for the long drunken trip that lasted into the next day. I'm proud of you for the display of drinking excellence and also that you've landed yourself in a nice comfortable position in life.
chuwie
Jul. 8th, 2004 07:09 am (UTC)
P.S.
Dane is a fucking idiot bastard for asking if he could "jump your bones." We can all thank Dane for making all males across the country look like fucking idiots with no class.
shakewell
Jul. 8th, 2004 11:02 am (UTC)
it was good for a laugh
i honestly couldn't believe he was serious.

i had a blast with you too, chuwie! i sure am going to miss you (not that i don't miss you already) when you move away. but, we shall meet (and party) again i am sure.
( 10 comments — Say Something )

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