sWell (shakewell) wrote,

older and wiser

so, i took some time off to think.

i've had a lot to think about--relationships, love, the future, school, kids, cars, etc. i can't say i've come to any new conclusions about anything. it's all variations on the same theme that i've known all along. but i have admitted a lot of things that i was previously afraid to admit to myself. and, as experience tells me, that is the first step in my healing process.

so here's a thought...

after spending the last four years (and arguably more if you count high school (or any of the time i spent in madison, for that matter) almost completely surrounded by people who don't actually like me, i am unable to cope with a normal, healthy relationship. they resented me and envied me. and they manipulated me (through my need for friendship) into feeling guilty for being me.

now, don't even say it, i'm not blaming anyone for my problems. i should have stood up for myself a long time ago and left these people far, far behind. but what i've realized now is that i'm absolutely uncomfortable being in any sort of relationship where someone respects or admires me. i am so terrified that i will be a disappointment to someone, like so many people have been disappointments to me, that i don't even allow myself the opportunity.

good person or not, i will always be a disappointment with this tendency for flight. and, thus, another self-destructive pattern emerges.
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