sWell (shakewell) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:
sometimes music makes me cry. it's not the songs or the lyrics, but the music. i wish that i could create things like that. i wish that i could make people feel something. not sadness, necessarily, but just some emotion. what a power that would be.

i am completely jealous of all you creative kids. i'd give both my legs and my incredibly miniscule breasts to be able to create things. works of art. the only things i can make are babies, and i'd give just about anything not to make those.

i have all the ideas in my head, though, of things i'd like to make. things that seem so cool to me. but i can't bring them to life. it's like i just don't have the tools to transpose things from my thoughts to reality. i hear beautiful music in my head, but i just can't quite figure out the right notes to write down. i can see these great photographic scenes in my mind's eye, but i don't even have a camera. and if i did, i don't have a way to recreate (or create, actually) the images. it's so very frustrating.

and what's more frustrating, is the fact that if i don't have this artistic right-brain thing working for me, i ought to have that logical left-brain to take over.(i might have those switched. i don't fucking know. you get the point.) but i don't! i'm such a fucking girl when it comes to logic. (no offense, ladies, but it's true.) i really want to be good at math and all that shit, but i'm not. i suck. just ask mrs. smith. cunt.

so i'm in this retarded middle-ground. it's the story of my life. i'm just good enough at things to want to be better at them. but it's simply impossible for me to excel at anything. what kind of pathetic existence is that?!

i mean, how the fuck am i supposed to choose a career if i fucking suck at everything i do? hell, i'm not even a very good cashier and i've been doing that for nearly five years. do i keep looking for something i like or do i settle for something i can tolerate?

i've always wanted to be a teacher (god only knows why) but i know that i will be terrible at it. i have no patience. i suck in all subjects. oh yeah, and i fucking hate people. that's why i've been putting off school for so long (well, that and that whole failing my senior year thing). i don't want to waste my time and money on a career i'm going to fail at.

so what do i do instead? will i know when i find my dream vocation? will i ever even find it? i don't fucking know. i thought going to school and sort of shopping around with some classes would be the way to go, but even that seems like a waste.

come to think of it, my whole life has pretty much been a waste.
Tags: music, reflection, school, work
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