sWell (shakewell) wrote,

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hope is a dangerous and beautiful thing

so. the other day, i sat down to write an email thanking micah for the time he spent with me and somehow ended up on this tangent. i really don't know where it came from, but it somehow turned out to be the best email i've ever written.

i guess you could say it's an outline of the person i am and the person i hope to be.

i fear that some of you will find this interesting in a terribly un-friendly sort of way, but i can think of quite a few of you who will appreciate this.

so, here's to you.

i have all these romanticized ideas about laying in the grass or on rooftops with the stars in our eyes and talking for hours about nothing and everything, because these past two weeks (and the people who've played in them) seem to have brought something out of me that i actually thought was lost forever.

to most people, i'm a cynic, cold and logical. thinking, not feeling. reserved, well-rehearsed, careful and calm. deliberate.

but that's not me. it's not. it's not. IT'S NOT!

and by me, i mean my thinking, not my being. my brain, but not my body. because i am all those things to all these people, except for me.

but if i could have my way, if i could do anything i wanted, without fearing the consequences, i'd be that supremely idealistic girl inside me. i'd believe everyone was good (and would be divinely good if treated well) and i'd give them the world on a plate if i could. and if i couldn't, i'd try to anyway.

i tried to be that way for a long time, but i kept ending up with new scars and no friends every few months. the world wasn't ready for my kind of love and i wasn't ready for it's kind of pain. if i kept going on that way, i would have ended up dead. and then where would the world be without my love for it?

i still believe i have something to offer that no one else ever can or will.

i just don't really know what it is yet.

loving people is really the only thing that i've ever been very good at it. (yes, yes, i'm good at lots of things, but i mean REALLY good at.) and some how me and this love seem to take a lot of people to a lot of new places without really understanding how or why. it's never been my intention to change anyone, because i love them from the moment i meet them, but i always seem to change them in the end. and oftentimes i teach them things that i don't even understand.

so maybe that's my gift. and i'd hate to deprive the world of something so naively (innocently?) beautiful.

jesus christ... i don't even know what i'm talking about now... or why i'm saying this to you. i'm just so excited about life right now and i haven't felt this way in such a long time. i'm half-tempted to tear down these cold, logical walls around me and start believing the world is not out to get me again. i see a glimmer of that little girl that i love so much and i want to let her out to play, but the used and beaten me is scared (and rightfully so).

i still (stupidly) believe the world could be utopian and the only way it ever will be is if people like me show all those other people how beautiful life really is.


it's times like these i think i'm manic depressive. i know exactly how it will end. it will not be pretty. but until then, it could be glorious. and doesn't that make it worthwhile?

over the past couple of years, i'd been setting myself up for this boring (yet safe) little life where i had a job for money and a husband for a family, etc. just last month i said a husband needn't be anything more than an attractive friend who was ready for that next phase in life at the same time as me.


i want a job that i love that challenges me everyday to make life better for all people.

i want a man that i love more than any man i've ever known, who knows me better than i know myself. i want babies who will be this perfect blend of every good thing between us and who grow up in this harmonious balance.

sure, i know it's stupid. i know i will be let down. i know nothing and no one is perfect. but a girl can dream...

maybe i don't know the truth yet. there's still so much for me to learn out there. so many things to see and people to meet. so many places to go and ideas to understand.

you never really know anything.

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