sWell (shakewell) wrote,

  • Mood:

falling down the same hill

i don't know why i think i'm a better person for not telling people when i'm upset with them. it's like even when i'm trying to make people feel good i still end up hurting them. i can't win. why am i so stupid that i think i can protect people from seeing what the really are? why am i so goddamn giving? who ever gave me anything?

i get hassled about college everyday. "well what do you want to be?" they ask. i want to be a good person. but you can't get a degree in philanthropy, charity or hospitality. so i tell them i want to be a teacher. if for nothing else, for the slight chance that i'll be able to help someone out the way my teachers helped me. but i won't make a good teacher. i hate school. i was a national merit commended student and i was a high school dropout.

i didn't overcome the odds and beat my demons. i did what i had to do.

wow. i just realized that in the last two years, i completely ruined any chance i ever had at success. not that i had much of a chance to start with.

i want to cry, but i can't. all i wanted to do was expound on my inability to confront people, but somehow i got off track and started feeling sorry for myself. now i seem to have jump-started this idiotic cycle of depression again.

he said to fight it.
but i can't.
i'm weak.
Tags: depression, friendship, school

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