sWell (shakewell) wrote,

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this weekend was completely exhausting. friday i woke up around 4:30 pm. went to work saturday morning and getting off early turned into getting off very late. it was the hardest day i've had there, so far, and i was in no condition to deal with it. i wanted to just quit. i wanted to sit right there on the floor and cry for my dead friend, but i didn't. i really don't know why i didn't. i was just sort of on autopilot i guess. i had all these things going through my head, and my body just kept going on by itself.

after work, i drove straight to madison and met up with banjo and opiate. we drove to the visitation together with banjo's dad. it was really hard to see all those pictures of all those good times and not be sad. there were pictures of things long forgotten. there were even some posable stuffed penguins that some of us travel club kids got for him at biglots. i'd forgotten all about them.

dealing with the body was difficult. i was too young to really comprehend things at my grandpa's funeral all those years ago. so, even though this wasn't the first dead body i'd ever viewed, it was the first one that i really saw and understood.

it took me forever to work up the nerve to walk up to the casket. i really was scared. and i was nervous to be so close to cindy. i had everything to say to her, but none of it would make the situation any different. she ended up coming to me while i was up front. there were hugs and tears and laughter. she said mr. jones was always wondering about me and always thought i was so bright and i just wanted to die because my life isn't what what it should be and what he thought it could be. i feel like such a disappointment to someone who means the world to me.

ben rogers was there. lucas. levi. i felt like i couldn't even comfort them because i barely even know them anymore. it's a shame.

and micah... that was tearing me apart.

we left before the funeral. cindy had urged us to stay, but monty said those are typically for family. i really have no idea. i hate that i don't know all this funeral etiquette, but i'm also glad that i haven't been to enough to know.

me0wkp called me and told me to come back for the funeral. i am so glad that she did, because i really wanted to be there. i couldn't not have done it alone.

mr. jones had picked out the music and the poems and the people to read them. it was terribly sad, but beautiful.

then there was the burial at springdale. it was hard to walk away, to really say goodbye, to admit i will never see his face or hear his laugh again.

there was a dinner at the elks for people to talk and remember. i wanted to talk to cindy, ben, levi, lucas and micah, but i felt like i had no right to. and i really had nothing to say.

after that, i found myself on the riverfront, staring into the high water. i always seem to end up there when times are tough, i don't know why. maybe it's the calm, the peace. maybe it's the current washing everything away. i sat there for a long time, wishing i had a pen and a notebook and something to say.

after a nap at my sister's, i went back to the river. wes abplanalp found me there and stayed to talk a while. i thought i wanted to be alone, but it was nice to have a shoulder to cry on. i have all these people who care about me so much, i don't know how i end up with "friends" like phil, amber, keri and jess. it sickens me that i don't appreciate the people who love me.

so i finally went to sleep around 3:00 am i think. woke up early that morning and eventually made it to bloomington. picked up some pictures from my brother's and wanted to cry because i don't have more of the people i love and miss. fell asleep for a couple hours and decided to just go home so i could sleep in my own bed.

i spent a lot of monday writing letters to old friends after reading some old letters from high school. i emailed micah and he replied. i am so relieved that he does not hate me for hurting him so.

stewbot came up and we talked about a lot of things. life sure is hard sometimes. when it rains, it pours, they say. sigh.

i still feel drained today. i still cry for no apparent reason. but i have a new found excitement for life and reconnecting.

i want to be the person he thought i was. i know i can be.

i want everyone to know i miss them and i love them. i want to hug everyone who needs it.

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