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dreams so terrible i couldn't wake up

boxes and caskets and bodies

his face
and his eyes

and it just kept repeating
again and again

i was hysterical

i knew it was a dream
but i couldn't wake up

and i couldn't make it stop

i could barely recognize his face. i hate myself for allowing such thing to occur. i thought i had more time. i didn't think at all.

i saw too many people that i hadn't seen in far too many years.

micah was there and all i wanted to do was hug him and say i was sorry for everything, but i couldn't even say hello. we haven't spoken since the night we broke up. i wondered if my presence there made things harder for him and i hated myself for allowing that to happen too. i still care about him, deeply. and i still hate to see him hurt. but, now, i'm not even able to make things better for him.

i hate that i let all this time go by without telling or showing people how much i still care. i hate that they may die thinking i hate them or hating me. my life will only mean as much as other people's memories of it. so why do i let them go on with these misconceptions of how i feel?

it's like when curtis wright died. i knew him, but we weren't friends in the least. we had mutual friends and we were on the swim team together. the last time i remember talking to him, i think we said some pretty horrible things to one another.

and then he died.

and i can't take those horrible things back. i never should have said them, because i never meant them. but that's how we'll remember each other. and that's a terrible shame.

i don't know if i ever told mr. jones how much he meant to me. i thought that i had written to him sometime last year, but i can't find the email. he's one of the top three most influential people in my life so far and i wouldn't even be here at all if it weren't for him. i'm sure he knew he was a lot of great things to a lot of great people, and his influence on my life isn't that important in that respect. but i still wish that he had known and that he'd heard if from me, personally. i feel like i've failed him in some way.

and there's no way to fix that now.

i can only try to do better for others in the future. i can't go to another funeral with all these things left unsaid.


( 3 comments — Say Something )
Apr. 18th, 2004 09:49 pm (UTC)
i remember the last things i said to curtis. i remember he peed behind a church and when he came from the other side i asked him if he shook it off. we laughed and said goodbye. ohh i miss him.

time is the hardest medicine to take, but the only choice.

Apr. 19th, 2004 01:48 am (UTC)
hey, losing Mr. Jones is really bad for the cosmos I think. I think you should call Micah and talk to him. I think he would appreciate it. I'm sure this is really hard on him too. if you want his number I can e-mail it to you.
Apr. 19th, 2004 10:17 am (UTC)
i sent him an email. i have his number. but i don't do phone well. thank you for the offer. i hope you're right that it will be ok for me to talk to him.
( 3 comments — Say Something )

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