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in light of this

i want to be good. i want to love everyone and trust in the basic goodness of all people. i want to give everything to everyone and remember that life is all about those special moments of connection. i want to forgive everything and just love, love, love.

but then she has to show me just how trustworthy people are. and she has to show me just how much people love to hurt me. people aren't good. their just watching out for their own good. they want to take and take and take until there's nothing left. and then they want to trample on the used up reminder of humanity on their way to the top. they want their life to be defined by the moments where they actually crushed another man's soul. they don't want to love, they want to be loved.

i'm still so torn between being the person i've always been and being the person i have to be in order to survive.

at these funerals, the embodiment of all my ideals die too. but then i see the effects these people had on the people around them. maybe those ideals aren't dead after all. now i want to embody the ideals myself, so these people won't be forgotten. so they're effects will be felt by all those people around me and the people around them and so on. so they live forever.

but then i wonder if there is a reason they are dead. the newspaper said john killed himself. i still can't wrap my head around that. not john, anyone but john. but, then again, i know what it feels like to be all used up and left for dead. and when you're all alone like that, dead starts to look pretty good.

so what good did it do him to be the most moral and caring guy i ever knew? he still died alone. and, yes, he was missed and he was loved, but did he know it? not if it ended like that.

after he died, i tried to be a better me. i was honest, but all-loving. i didn't love anyone any less for their faults, but i wanted them to be better. i wish everyone i knew could live a life like john did. maybe then everyone i know wouldn't feel so alone.

i could hurt people left and right, but it wouldn't make me feel any better. i could hurt them with the truth, with lies or with my fists. it wouldn't matter. i'd hate myself for it.

but loving people is still getting me nowhere, because they're still hurting me day in and day out.

mr. jones told me once that he thought love was just a chemical reaction. i tend to agree, if you believe in finding that special feeling with that special someone. i really do just want to love everyone, because we're all a part of this mysterious existence and we're all in it together. no one knows what the fuck is going on. we all have pain. we all have joy. we all make mistakes. we're all going to die. i just want to appreciate the fact that now matter how unique everyone seems to be, in the basic sense of being, we're all exactly the same.

Comments

( 5 comments — Say Something )
san_yo
Apr. 16th, 2004 04:12 pm (UTC)
amen.
xtylerx
Apr. 17th, 2004 08:26 am (UTC)
I look out for my friends like family.
no way, not this kid.
If I could be there, I would be.
We could be best pals.

I never really notice how much of
a sick person you were until somehow
after the night of doin X. I've always
liked you, but now for some reason I think
about you all the time. CRAZY.

anyway, i better quit.
xoxo
tyler.
shakewell
Apr. 18th, 2004 01:28 pm (UTC)
sick
you meant that in the good way, right? that's how they do in new england?
xtylerx
Apr. 18th, 2004 03:27 pm (UTC)
Re: sick
hahahaha yes.
i never notice that i say that alot now until
indiana kids said something like "you say sick
instead of cool now." Yes I mean that in a good
way.

you sick woman you.
:)
xoxo
tyler
darkwax
Apr. 17th, 2004 05:15 pm (UTC)
Hmm... There's a big love everywhere and no mere mortal will ever be able to live up to it. We are feel machines and all we can do is question. There are a lot of questions and only one answer to all of them.
( 5 comments — Say Something )

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