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i couldn't get off work tonight, so i will be driving to madison tomorrow after my shift. it's going to be a terrible drive, alone.

i still can't put my feelings into words.

i hate that this is how i'm going to reunite with my classmates again. it will be like john's funeral all over again. i do want to see them and i will be happy to see them, but, at the same time, i will be sad to have to see them there and to see them so sad.

funerals seem to bring out the alcoholic in me. i don't really know why. it's a coping mechanism, i suppose, but not one i've ever used before. i guess it's just a nice social coping mechanism. but i don't mean nice... it just works well for groups.

everything i'm saying seems so pointless in light of this event. i wish i could describe how much he meant to me, how he changed my life and how he gave me hope.

i wish he'd let me visit him in the hospital.
i wish i would have written more.
i wish i would have learned more.
i wish i would have lived up to his expectations.

i wish i could have said goodbye.

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February 2012


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