sWell (shakewell) wrote,

  • Mood:

conversion of a non-believer

this afternoon, jo3 and i had the following conversation. he is aware that i have posted it here.


i think this is as much sense i can make to people who don't think in the same realm that i do, to people who interpret and analyze things in an entirely different way from me.


he said i gave him new understanding of this entire situation. i hope that it will enlighten others, but i'm not holding my breath.


joe lackner: try not to dwell on things so much, amanda.

joe lackner: i'm not telling you what to do...

swell: lol yes you are

joe lackner: but it does make you look overly concerned about things.

joe lackner: just so you know, you can do whatever you like.

swell: i can't help that she keeps posting hilarious shit and i think it’s funny

joe lackner: write what you feel, think, do

joe lackner: it needs to stop somewhere.

joe lackner: be the stronger human being.

joe lackner: the wiser.

joe lackner: the better.

swell: i do write what i feel and think about their situation

swell: i am concerned

swell: because i don't want my life to end up like theirs

joe lackner: but do know that they will read it, and take offense to that.

swell: i know

swell: but they shouldn't

joe lackner: they shouldn't

joe lackner: but they will.

joe lackner: because they don't understand.

swell: and that makes them look foolish

swell: thats not my problem

joe lackner: i write a lot more private updates.

swell: good for you

joe lackner: you might want to consider it.

swell: i like for my friends to know what i think

swell: and what i want

joe lackner: because - like i said

joe lackner: they don't understand.

swell: they're not my friends

joe lackner: friends or not, it's causing suffering.

joe lackner: reduce suffering.

swell: i'm trying to help them see how ridiculous their behavior is

swell: that will ultimately reduce suffering

joe lackner: that may not be the best way of doing it.

joe lackner: good point.

swell: you have to identify weaknesses before you can improve upon them

joe lackner: and it does take others to point those out

swell: i have no other way of helping them, because this is the only part they allow me to play in their lives

joe lackner: but no one likes their faults being pointed out to them

swell: i do

joe lackner: especially over the internet.

swell: i'd much rather people tell me then pretend they don't think its a problem

joe lackner: well you are the minority.

joe lackner: that's good - that's really good.

joe lackner: but most people don't understand that.

joe lackner: i still have issues with that.

swell: not my problem

swell: and you don't read my journal

swell: because you can't deal with it

joe lackner: i can deal with it. i can overlook things. some people can't.

joe lackner: and won't.

swell: you have to do what's best for you.

swell: and what's best for me is to be honest with people about what i feel, think and do

joe lackner: perhaps you need an elaborate foreword on your lj

joe lackner: and have all the idiots read it.

joe lackner: so they understand where the fuck you are coming from

swell: they wouldn't understand

joe lackner: they don't understand as it is.

swell: i know

joe lackner: that might help.

swell: but i have nothing to add to what i say every fucking day

swell: what people do in public is open for public discussion

swell: if i observe, i will comment

swell: i am open to discussion

swell: i would change my mind if so moved by logical persuasion

joe lackner: maybe just write it for yourself. don't even post it. see if it puts a new perspective on things.

swell: i write plenty for myself

swell: but what i write in the public is so i can gather other perspective on what i say

swell: opinions, reactions, arguments

swell: because i want people to learn from me and i want to learn from them

joe lackner: i doubt many of them are picking up on that.

joe lackner: i seriously doubt it.

swell: well there’s only so much i can do

swell: its not all for jess, et al either

swell: its my real friends mostly

joe lackner: your livejournal makes you look like a bitch.

joe lackner: and if i only knew you from it

joe lackner: i wouldn't want to know you at all.

swell: well thats fine. the new friends i've made through my journal get me. and the ones i've haven't don't

swell: i'm not going to apologize for being honest

joe lackner: well, i'm glad you have had success with it.


i'm not looking for an apology, i just want you to know what some people are getting from it.

joe lackner: in case you don't know.

swell: you've only told me ten times before

swell: the people that think i seem like a bitch are the people that would play nice to my face

swell: and fuck those people

joe lackner: that's fine. i think you need something else to chew on. this whole jess / amber / keri shit is played the fuck out.

joe lackner: you all look like idiots.

swell: its not played out to me. it's a prolonged study in human behavior

joe lackner: at what cost?

swell: losing fake friends

swell: *boohoo*

swell: i think that's a profit

joe lackner: fake friends....

swell: being true to myself

swell: also a profit

swell: understanding myself

swell: profit

joe lackner: maybe i still hold certain ideals in my head

swell: such as?

joe lackner: i still believe people are good when it comes down to it

joe lackner: forgiving

joe lackner: moving on

joe lackner: repairing

swell: me too. but until those girls realize and admit that they also made mistakes

swell: there’s nothing to repair

swell: i can't forgive them if they're not sorry

joe lackner: they'll be a mutual understanding.

joe lackner: in time.

joe lackner: maybe.

joe lackner: just give it time.

joe lackner: and don't dump so much salt in the wounds.

joe lackner: but do.

joe lackner: if you think you need to

joe lackner: if its worth the drama.

swell: they'll grow and change just like you have? you still can't even see half of what you did to me

joe lackner: no, i can't.

swell: so until you do, i think i have every right to observe on that

joe lackner: damn you just made far too much sense to me.

joe lackner: like, head hurts.

joe lackner: *kicks dirt*

swell: because i let all that shit go with you

swell: you think you're ok

swell: all is forgiven

swell: you've learned all there was to learn

swell: but i'm still hurt

swell: and i can never forgive you for things you're not sorry for

joe lackner: wow. blam.

swell: so i'd never forgive myself for letting things go. for letting people think they are forgiven when they are not

swell: because that causes resentment

swell: and hate

joe lackner: quit making so much sense.

swell: i wish that other people could see their lives, their actions and their consequences as clear as i see mine

joe lackner: i wish i could as well.... it's quite painful when you "awaken" to all of these things you've done - when you were too busy being selfish to yourself, and the pain you've caused.


that is a curse within itself.

swell: and much deserved


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