this afternoon, jo3 and i had the following conversation. he is aware that i have posted it here.
i think this is as much sense i can make to people who don't think in the same realm that i do, to people who interpret and analyze things in an entirely different way from me.
he said i gave him new understanding of this entire situation. i hope that it will enlighten others, but i'm not holding my breath.
joe lackner: i'm not telling you what to do...
swell: lol yes you are
joe lackner: but it does make you look overly concerned about things.
joe lackner: just so you know, you can do whatever you like.
swell: i can't help that she keeps posting hilarious shit and i think it’s funny
joe lackner: write what you feel, think, do
joe lackner: it needs to stop somewhere.
joe lackner: be the stronger human being.
joe lackner: the wiser.
joe lackner: the better.
swell: i do write what i feel and think about their situation
swell: i am concerned
swell: because i don't want my life to end up like theirs
joe lackner: but do know that they will read it, and take offense to that.
swell: i know
swell: but they shouldn't
joe lackner: they shouldn't
joe lackner: but they will.
joe lackner: because they don't understand.
swell: and that makes them look foolish
swell: thats not my problem
joe lackner: i write a lot more private updates.
swell: good for you
joe lackner: you might want to consider it.
swell: i like for my friends to know what i think
swell: and what i want
joe lackner: because - like i said
joe lackner: they don't understand.
swell: they're not my friends
joe lackner: friends or not, it's causing suffering.
joe lackner: reduce suffering.
swell: i'm trying to help them see how ridiculous their behavior is
swell: that will ultimately reduce suffering
joe lackner: that may not be the best way of doing it.
joe lackner: good point.
swell: you have to identify weaknesses before you can improve upon them
joe lackner: and it does take others to point those out
swell: i have no other way of helping them, because this is the only part they allow me to play in their lives
joe lackner: but no one likes their faults being pointed out to them
swell: i do
joe lackner: especially over the internet.
swell: i'd much rather people tell me then pretend they don't think its a problem
joe lackner: well you are the minority.
joe lackner: that's good - that's really good.
joe lackner: but most people don't understand that.
joe lackner: i still have issues with that.
swell: not my problem
swell: and you don't read my journal
swell: because you can't deal with it
joe lackner: i can deal with it. i can overlook things. some people can't.
joe lackner: and won't.
swell: you have to do what's best for you.
swell: and what's best for me is to be honest with people about what i feel, think and do
joe lackner: perhaps you need an elaborate foreword on your lj
joe lackner: and have all the idiots read it.
joe lackner: so they understand where the fuck you are coming from
swell: they wouldn't understand
joe lackner: they don't understand as it is.
swell: i know
joe lackner: that might help.
swell: but i have nothing to add to what i say every fucking day
swell: what people do in public is open for public discussion
swell: if i observe, i will comment
swell: i am open to discussion
swell: i would change my mind if so moved by logical persuasion
joe lackner: maybe just write it for yourself. don't even post it. see if it puts a new perspective on things.
swell: i write plenty for myself
swell: but what i write in the public is so i can gather other perspective on what i say
swell: opinions, reactions, arguments
swell: because i want people to learn from me and i want to learn from them
joe lackner: i doubt many of them are picking up on that.
joe lackner: i seriously doubt it.
swell: well there’s only so much i can do
swell: its not all for jess, et al either
swell: its my real friends mostly
joe lackner: your livejournal makes you look like a bitch.
joe lackner: and if i only knew you from it
joe lackner: i wouldn't want to know you at all.
swell: well thats fine. the new friends i've made through my journal get me. and the ones i've haven't don't
swell: i'm not going to apologize for being honest
joe lackner: well, i'm glad you have had success with it.
i'm not looking for an apology, i just want you to know what some people are getting from it.
joe lackner: in case you don't know.
swell: you've only told me ten times before
swell: the people that think i seem like a bitch are the people that would play nice to my face
swell: and fuck those people
joe lackner: that's fine. i think you need something else to chew on. this whole jess / amber / keri shit is played the fuck out.
joe lackner: you all look like idiots.
swell: its not played out to me. it's a prolonged study in human behavior
joe lackner: at what cost?
swell: losing fake friends
swell: i think that's a profit
joe lackner: fake friends....
swell: being true to myself
swell: also a profit
swell: understanding myself
joe lackner: maybe i still hold certain ideals in my head
swell: such as?
joe lackner: i still believe people are good when it comes down to it
joe lackner: forgiving
joe lackner: moving on
joe lackner: repairing
swell: me too. but until those girls realize and admit that they also made mistakes
swell: there’s nothing to repair
swell: i can't forgive them if they're not sorry
joe lackner: they'll be a mutual understanding.
joe lackner: in time.
joe lackner: maybe.
joe lackner: just give it time.
joe lackner: and don't dump so much salt in the wounds.
joe lackner: but do.
joe lackner: if you think you need to
joe lackner: if its worth the drama.
swell: they'll grow and change just like you have? you still can't even see half of what you did to me
joe lackner: no, i can't.
swell: so until you do, i think i have every right to observe on that
joe lackner: damn you just made far too much sense to me.
joe lackner: like, head hurts.
joe lackner: *kicks dirt*
swell: because i let all that shit go with you
swell: you think you're ok
swell: all is forgiven
swell: you've learned all there was to learn
swell: but i'm still hurt
swell: and i can never forgive you for things you're not sorry for
joe lackner: wow. blam.
swell: so i'd never forgive myself for letting things go. for letting people think they are forgiven when they are not
swell: because that causes resentment
swell: and hate
swell: i wish that other people could see their lives, their actions and their consequences as clear as i see mine
joe lackner: i wish i could as well.... it's quite painful when you "awaken" to all of these things you've done - when you were too busy being selfish to yourself, and the pain you've caused.
that is a curse within itself.