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conversion of a non-believer

this afternoon, jo3 and i had the following conversation. he is aware that i have posted it here.

 

i think this is as much sense i can make to people who don't think in the same realm that i do, to people who interpret and analyze things in an entirely different way from me.

 

he said i gave him new understanding of this entire situation. i hope that it will enlighten others, but i'm not holding my breath.

 

joe lackner: try not to dwell on things so much, amanda.

joe lackner: i'm not telling you what to do...

swell: lol yes you are

joe lackner: but it does make you look overly concerned about things.

joe lackner: just so you know, you can do whatever you like.

swell: i can't help that she keeps posting hilarious shit and i think it’s funny

joe lackner: write what you feel, think, do

joe lackner: it needs to stop somewhere.

joe lackner: be the stronger human being.

joe lackner: the wiser.

joe lackner: the better.

swell: i do write what i feel and think about their situation

swell: i am concerned

swell: because i don't want my life to end up like theirs

joe lackner: but do know that they will read it, and take offense to that.

swell: i know

swell: but they shouldn't

joe lackner: they shouldn't

joe lackner: but they will.

joe lackner: because they don't understand.

swell: and that makes them look foolish

swell: thats not my problem

joe lackner: i write a lot more private updates.

swell: good for you

joe lackner: you might want to consider it.

swell: i like for my friends to know what i think

swell: and what i want

joe lackner: because - like i said

joe lackner: they don't understand.

swell: they're not my friends

joe lackner: friends or not, it's causing suffering.

joe lackner: reduce suffering.

swell: i'm trying to help them see how ridiculous their behavior is

swell: that will ultimately reduce suffering

joe lackner: that may not be the best way of doing it.

joe lackner: good point.

swell: you have to identify weaknesses before you can improve upon them

joe lackner: and it does take others to point those out

swell: i have no other way of helping them, because this is the only part they allow me to play in their lives

joe lackner: but no one likes their faults being pointed out to them

swell: i do

joe lackner: especially over the internet.

swell: i'd much rather people tell me then pretend they don't think its a problem

joe lackner: well you are the minority.

joe lackner: that's good - that's really good.

joe lackner: but most people don't understand that.

joe lackner: i still have issues with that.

swell: not my problem

swell: and you don't read my journal

swell: because you can't deal with it

joe lackner: i can deal with it. i can overlook things. some people can't.

joe lackner: and won't.

swell: you have to do what's best for you.

swell: and what's best for me is to be honest with people about what i feel, think and do

joe lackner: perhaps you need an elaborate foreword on your lj

joe lackner: and have all the idiots read it.

joe lackner: so they understand where the fuck you are coming from

swell: they wouldn't understand

joe lackner: they don't understand as it is.

swell: i know

joe lackner: that might help.

swell: but i have nothing to add to what i say every fucking day

swell: what people do in public is open for public discussion

swell: if i observe, i will comment

swell: i am open to discussion

swell: i would change my mind if so moved by logical persuasion

joe lackner: maybe just write it for yourself. don't even post it. see if it puts a new perspective on things.

swell: i write plenty for myself

swell: but what i write in the public is so i can gather other perspective on what i say

swell: opinions, reactions, arguments

swell: because i want people to learn from me and i want to learn from them

joe lackner: i doubt many of them are picking up on that.

joe lackner: i seriously doubt it.

swell: well there’s only so much i can do

swell: its not all for jess, et al either

swell: its my real friends mostly

joe lackner: your livejournal makes you look like a bitch.

joe lackner: and if i only knew you from it

joe lackner: i wouldn't want to know you at all.

swell: well thats fine. the new friends i've made through my journal get me. and the ones i've haven't don't

swell: i'm not going to apologize for being honest

joe lackner: well, i'm glad you have had success with it.

 

i'm not looking for an apology, i just want you to know what some people are getting from it.

joe lackner: in case you don't know.

swell: you've only told me ten times before

swell: the people that think i seem like a bitch are the people that would play nice to my face

swell: and fuck those people

joe lackner: that's fine. i think you need something else to chew on. this whole jess / amber / keri shit is played the fuck out.

joe lackner: you all look like idiots.

swell: its not played out to me. it's a prolonged study in human behavior

joe lackner: at what cost?

swell: losing fake friends

swell: *boohoo*

swell: i think that's a profit

joe lackner: fake friends....

swell: being true to myself

swell: also a profit

swell: understanding myself

swell: profit

joe lackner: maybe i still hold certain ideals in my head

swell: such as?

joe lackner: i still believe people are good when it comes down to it

joe lackner: forgiving

joe lackner: moving on

joe lackner: repairing

swell: me too. but until those girls realize and admit that they also made mistakes

swell: there’s nothing to repair

swell: i can't forgive them if they're not sorry

joe lackner: they'll be a mutual understanding.

joe lackner: in time.

joe lackner: maybe.

joe lackner: just give it time.

joe lackner: and don't dump so much salt in the wounds.

joe lackner: but do.

joe lackner: if you think you need to

joe lackner: if its worth the drama.

swell: they'll grow and change just like you have? you still can't even see half of what you did to me

joe lackner: no, i can't.

swell: so until you do, i think i have every right to observe on that

joe lackner: damn you just made far too much sense to me.

joe lackner: like, head hurts.

joe lackner: *kicks dirt*

swell: because i let all that shit go with you

swell: you think you're ok

swell: all is forgiven

swell: you've learned all there was to learn

swell: but i'm still hurt

swell: and i can never forgive you for things you're not sorry for

joe lackner: wow. blam.

swell: so i'd never forgive myself for letting things go. for letting people think they are forgiven when they are not

swell: because that causes resentment

swell: and hate

joe lackner: quit making so much sense.

swell: i wish that other people could see their lives, their actions and their consequences as clear as i see mine

joe lackner: i wish i could as well.... it's quite painful when you "awaken" to all of these things you've done - when you were too busy being selfish to yourself, and the pain you've caused.

 

that is a curse within itself.

swell: and much deserved

Comments

( 4 comments — Say Something )
badrew
Apr. 2nd, 2004 02:10 pm (UTC)
haha when did you become the village wise man anyway

you're intent to make everyone see things the way you see them...because of your higher understanding...don't you know when you're chilled out and the other person is pissed off/festering then you've WON...no one is ever going to see things like you do, so you should leave them alone and let them bitch about you in their free time, while you drink a milkshake

and yes I'm telling you what to do
shakewell
Apr. 2nd, 2004 02:44 pm (UTC)
it's not about winning
why should i let them bitch about me if i can't bitch about them?

what makes you right about this and me wrong? why do you get to be the wise man?

you want me to see it your way. i want them to see it mine. i don't see the difference.

anyway, when you fuck with someone else there are consequences. if they can't handle people talking about the bad things they do, they just shouldn't do them.

but, so long as they continue, then i'll keep observing and reflecting about. i've learned heaps from them in the last few months. maybe someday they'll be able to stop being defensive, read what i actually wrote and learn from their behavior as well.
c0al67
Apr. 3rd, 2004 12:53 am (UTC)
haha holy shit

easy buddha, quit trying to enlighten everyone to your higher way of thinking

hahahha damnit amanda
shakewell
Apr. 3rd, 2004 06:27 am (UTC)
i thought we were done having this argument
i just write what i think. you (generalized) are the one who keep coming back to read it.

if it enlightens you about my thoughts on life, fabulous. i think it would be great if everyone i knew was on the same page or at least knew where i stood.

if it enlightens you about me personally, that's great too. because i think it would be awesome if my friends actually knew me as a thinking, feeling person than as some quiz junkie camera whore.
( 4 comments — Say Something )

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