sWell (shakewell) wrote,

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reconciliation day and indian giving

according to my apartment newsletter, today is reconciliation day. i was going to write some sorty of silly post about that, but now i've found something better.

yesterday, ben told me i was dead to him, then today he told me he didn't want to lose me as a friend. well, he did already and i can't say i'm very sad about it.

in my book, any friend that would ever consider saying something like that is no friend at all. ben has said that about joe and phil before. and phil has said it about ben. and for some strange reason, they all seem to forget it about it later and pretend it never happenned. that's sad to me.

i know i deserve better friendships than that. i know i don't need to associate with people who hated me or something i've done so much at some point, that they actually wanted me not to exist to them (or at all) anymore.

i'm a deeply emotional person. i attach a great deal of signifigance to things other people don't even realize. i know that. but i wouldn't want my life any other way. i like that everything i do has purpose because everything i interact with has meaning.

so, to me, there are some things that you can say that have such a strong meaning they can never be taken back. i guess it has something to do with my belief that no one says anything unless there's at least some truth to it. and i hate liars.

so the short list of those unforgiveable things would be this:
*i love you.
*i hate you.
*i wish this terrible misfortune upon you.

of course, if someone actually committed some heinous crime against me or someone i cared about, i might feel differently. but, as far as day to day life is concerned, there's nothing that could make me completely reverse my opinion of someone.

i will say that the amount of love you have for someone can dwindle based on evidence which shows that a person isn't really who you thought they were, but i can't fathom that (short of rape, murder, etc.) there would be any reason to stop loving any person you ever loved.

even all these people who wish me dead or out of their lives, if they needed (really needed) something from me and they asked for it. i'd deliver, no questions asked. because i don't want to see anyone i care about suffer needlessly. all i've ever wanted to do was make life easier for people, not make it worse.

i could explain again why i write the things i write, but you still won't understand. so, what's the use?

but i think the observations i make are the truth, and i really can't understand how anyone could see differently. [but you're all entitled to. don't get me wrong!) when people say untrue things about me, i don't get offended. i know who i am. but when people point out the negative truths, yeah it does suck. so, if you don't like what people have to say about you, stop giving them reason to say it.

ok, i said i wouldn't explain but i did. sort of. sorry.
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