sWell (shakewell) wrote,

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return of miss hostility

i can't believe i found this! for those of you who have never seen it, this is a parody i wrote of CJ's journal entry about her winning the title of miss congeniality in the 4H pageant or some shit.

i'd like to write more parodies of more people's stupid journal entries...

From THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993) :

HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.

july 11 - finishing a story i never started... - 3:35a

alright, i never told anyone i'd start - let alone finish - the hinkles story and so be it... kramer wasn't asking about it so i just copied a conversation i didn't have with him about it (minus any aside comments or relevant facts) and it looks like i'm going to edit it a bit until it's something totally different and post it. so enjoy... and sorry if it isn't too funny.

it was the middle of the day, everyone was wide awake and just wanted to drink themselves into oblivion. everyone except wooten of course. he was hungry. his belly was eating itself inside-out, and was demanding that he get some hinkles and get it quick! so at 3 in the afternoon, wooten asks, "hey! does anyone want some hinkles? or should i ask will anyone go up there with me?" after everyone put down his loony idea of filling their bellies with food and not beer, he gets the brilliant idea that i should go up there with him wearing my "miss hostility" sash. you know, to see what exactly what would happen or if we could get free food. in other words i got volunteered to go, but not as sWell - he wanted me to go as "miss hostility!"

so, he calls in the order:
bitch on the phone: "we aren't taking call-in orders anymore because people stopped picking up their orders."
wooten: "ahhhh... but it's from 'miss hostility'."
botp: "yeah right, whatever."
w: "no! i'm serious. she's right here if you wanna talk to her, but i don't think you wanna talk to her."
botp: "alright, just tell me what you want. and how do you spell hostility?"
w: "3 cheeseburgers dressed and a half order of home fries for the missus. and i can spell that for you because i've got the sash right here: hostility, H - O - S - T - I - L - I - T - Y, hostility."
botp: "ok, see ya in a few."

well, i put the sash in my pocket and josh escorted me to hinkles. arm-in-arm, we walked past shipley's (where i got a few obscene cat calls and comments such as "nice a-cups," "can i get some fries with that shake?" and "girl i wanna buy you corn dogs"). rather than involve the dedicated PoPo who were busy eating donuts on the corner, i dispensed three quick and merciless bear traps. and so our journey continued, un-interupted... the diner was jam-packed, so i kicked and pushed my way inside! once inside, EVERYONE was whispering. "hey, that's the 'miss hostility' girl. i think she's a bitch." man, everyone was looking! i felt like i'd just won the title of "miss congeniality" in the madison regatta beauty pageant or i had been in a horribly disfiguring accident which had left my face scarred. wooten just looked at me and said, "damn girl, you ARE a rock star!"

so, after standing around for a few minutes, a waitress (the same one who had taken our order on the phone)asked, "have you two been helped?"
wooten: "we called in an order."
bitch who had previously been on the phone: "what's the name?"
w: "miss hostility."
bwhpbotp: "holy shit you weren't kidding?!"
*insert loud drunken laughter from the masses here*
bwhpbotp: "well, i thought you were pulling some kind of prank so i didn't actually put in your order. what was it you wanted, again?"
(here's where things really start to get interesting!)
miss hostility: "say what?"
bwhpbotp: "i'm sorry, i thought it was a joke."
mh: "oh i'll give you a joke!"

well, as the infamous "miss hostility," i thought it would be pretty funny if i started some trouble with the bitch. and that's exactly what i did! so, the hilarity went thusly:

donning my sash, i angrily told the woman, "this ain't miss congeniality that you're dealing with, bitch, so get on the good foot and get my fucking food!" then i punched her square in the cock-sucker and told the cook he was next. realizing my sash portrayed nothing short of an accurate description of my personality, he asked what i wanted him to make. so, jumped up on the counter and said "i want some fucking hinkle burgers - and i want them NOW!" by this time the other customers were starting to get a little nervous, so i started doling out "the boot" to keep them under control. as always, it worked like a charm.

soon, our food was ready. i figured wooten and i deserved a small bonus for our trouble, i grabbed the money from the cash register and told the cook to keep the change. apparently not amused, he ran to the phone to call the cops. josh figured this to be an opportune time to leave. i agreed.

we ran into our dutiful officer friends again, so we stopped to tell them all about our adventure. we explained how we'd not only gotten tons of free food fast, but also some ass-kicking and cash too. after sharing a hearty laugh, my comrade and i departed. in the distance we heard, "oh that 'miss hostility...'"

god, it was funny as hell - the best joke i've ever told, to be sure. so we headed back to our point of origin with people looking at us from every direction. man, we got so much special attention - and it was 3 in the afternoon! i headed for home and wooten ended up not telling anyone at the tearoom about it for fear of instigating more unnecessary drama. he didn't even tell ANYONE about it the next day. talk about smart thinking! it so awesome. even the fact that i got into it with the lady and the chef. man, oh man. anyway, that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
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