sWell (shakewell) wrote,

days go by [melo]

as for my life, it's pretty boring (it must be if i've got time to post here!). i pretty much spent the last of my savings this weekend, and my boyfriend coincidentally decided he wanted more space. oh well, i'm going off to college in a couple of months anyhow. if i'm going to be sad sometime, i might as well be sad now while i don't have classes or a job to be affected by it.

not to say it doesn't hurt, of course. it just proves my fears that he means a hundred times more to me than i ever meant to him. knowing that fact doesn't make it any better though.

when will i learn that i can't make people love me.

there was a boy who loved me once. but he couldn't make me love him back. i knew i wasn't good for him and i left him. he says i broke his heart. he wouldn't talk to me for years. i answered the door at a friend's house once. the boy took one look at me and bolted away. you don't know sadness until you realize people cannot physically or emotionally stand to be near you. that's something to be depressed about. especially when all you want is for those people to be happy.

the boy sent me an email on my birthday. he thought i would be proud of him for becoming an alcoholic and blocking out the past six years of his life. i'm horrified. what right have i to have such power over people?

actually, i guess things aren't really boring so much as fucked up and depressing. i had been doing really well for myself for quite some time, i thought. but, looking back on it all it's just the same three-month cycle of depression and happiness. today marks the decent into a new trough of depression. but in a few weeks i'll have a whole new set of lies and illusions to wrongly base my happiness upon. and come september it will all begin again.

i used to think that if i could only identify my weakness, i could fix it. i could overcome it. but it seems knowing about it is just something else to feel sorry for.

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