sWell (shakewell) wrote,

3 days [melo]

it's been three days now. i've actually managed not to go crawling back to him yet. i did leave a comment on his LJ (which he responded to civilly) but it wasn't anything i really wanted to say to him.

i want to write him an email now. and ask him if he thinks he is better off with out me. ask him if he thinks there is a chance for us in the future. but why should i want a chance with him? why is it that he treats me so damn bad, and i just can't seem to stop loving him?

i remember the way things used to be, when we first met. we had so much fun. we were happy and that's all that mattered. things just didn't mean so much back then. but now even the stupid little things can drive us to anger. even the things he said didn't bother him upset him.

according to his roommate, he thinks i was forcing him to settle down. we were going to live together. it was his idea. i was scared to do it, but i agreed. and now somehow i'm the one trying to settle down. i don't understand it. he always finds a way to blame me for everything. and i always apologize for things i didn't even do.

so why do i still love him? why do i still want to be with him? i know i can do better. i know there's other guys. but i don't want them. i want him. it just doesn't make sense.

and what if he is better off without me? i don't know what i'm going to do with myself then. i've spent the last three years of my life making him the center of my whole universe. i don't even know who i am without him.

why did he have to lie and say he loved me...

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