sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

same as it ever was [melo]

i fucked things up for myself today. it was just a little misunderstanding, but i let my emotions get in the way of reason. i got angry. i got upset. i overreacted. i made things worse.

now i've put myself in the position that i can't gain anything from for the experience i've shared for the last three years. i don't know what happened to us. i don't know why it happened. i don't know who he has become. and now i can't know, because i pushed him away and i pissed him off.

i can't keep doing this to people. i can't make them tell me things they don't want to tell me - especially when they can't even stand to talk to me. but i want to learn. i want to know how to avoid this shit in the future. i want to know what i did wrong and why i wasn't good enough. i want to be sure that i'm doing the right thing with my life.

i want to know why people keep lying to me about love.

but god i'm so afraid. i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. i don't want to go through this mess again. i can't. i'm barely making it through now. i can't explain how screwed up my life is at the moment. i just don't know what to do with myself without him. i've spent the last three years thinking about everything he wanted and everything i could do to make him happy. and i can't just stop thinking about that stuff. i can't stop caring. i can't leave him alone.

but he doesn't know what he wants. he doesn't even know who he is. and i have to suffer for that. i think of everything i went through and then i look at where i am today. what's the fucking point? what good has it done me? so i didn't die three years ago. maybe i should have. maybe that would have been better.

don't get me wrong. i'm not suicidal. but my life is so worthless. i'm never going to make it through college. everyone knows it. it doesn't matter how hard i want to. i'm just not capable. and if i just get some random job, i'll have to live with the people i care about telling me i'm wasting my talents and my life. telling me i'm a failure and a disappointment.

and i'm never going to have kids because i'm never going to have a husband because nobody wants these damaged goods. and no matter how many times all these assholes tell me that they love me, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference. because no one really wants to actually get to know me. they just want to know that i'm some hot chick who's willing to do anything for the people she cares about.

it's all about the golden rule. for me anyway. not for anyone else. i don't know why i keep trying to live that way. i just get so used up i don't know what to do anymore. what more can i give to you people? and what have you done for me lately?

i think i was wrong. i'd rather be lied to and hurt than alone. i'm not stronger now for having left. i'm back in this fucking hole that i never thought i'd see again. all i want to do is to talk to someone and get some answers but i can't. because i threw away my best friend for my fucking principles.

i just want to know that i'm not alone. that i'm not hated. that people think i'm a good person and that they appreciate me. i need validation. that makes me pathetic, but it's true. it makes me sick that i can't stand up alone. but it's true. and i can't change that. not alone. i'm stuck in this place by myself and no matter how hard i try, i can't get myself out.

fuck it.

i'm sorry if you wasted your time reading this. i'm sorry everyone has to watch me fall down the same damn hills over and over in my life. i'm so fucking sorry that i can't deal with my own problems. and i'm sorry that i started all of this. be happy with what you have. that's my advice for me in the future. if you deserved better you'd have it already.
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