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well joe and i are pretty much back to the way we used to be. only now he doesn't lie about smoking and doesn't call me his girlfriend. i know i'm a fool for letting things go on this way. but i'm just not strong enough to be alone right now.

he was telling me about how he's going to move away after he graduates in two years. i told him it made me sad to think that after that i'd probably never see him again. and he said, "don't worry, i'll be looking for people to move with me!"

he honestly expects me to go through the next two years being tortured by the fact that i'm not good enough to be his grilfriend anymore and then drop everything i'm doing to go not be his girlfriend 1000 miles away from home.

he assures me he'll know what he wants in two years from now. it sounds like he knows it already. but i have to wait. and i will. and we both know that i'll pack up and leave with him regardless of what he wants from me in the future. because i'd hate to see him have to go through life alone. and because i'm completely retarded for him.

i tell you what. if we do make it through these next two years and he decides that he does want me to be his girlfriend again, he better break out a fucking engagement ring! he won't though. and i know it. he'll never think about what i want. about what i've done for him. given up for him.

god... why do i love him? none of this makes sense.

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