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boys will be boys [melo]

so i know that every girls says she doesn't mean to lead guys on, but i really mean it. i know that i do it, though. i and i suck for that. but it's not like i'm doing it just so they'll flatter me everyday or buy me nice things. i'd be perfectly happy if these guys just left me the hell alone.

i just do it because i'm too nice to say no to them. or maybe i just don't know how to say it. besides, on the rare occassions where i actually have come right out and told a guy that he has absolutely no chance with me, they just disregard it and keep pursuing me.

i don't understand it.

in other relationship news, my old friend wes has been calling me quite a bit in the past few weeks. wes and i met in the 5th grade. we dated for a few days in jr high. and then he dated my best friend angie in high school. they were even engaged i think. then one night wes kissed me on the cheek and angie used that as an excuse to dump him (while she was actually fucking my brother). a few years later, wes and i had a fling. it was fun, but short-lived.

i love wes to death. talking on the phone with him, i realized he knows more about me than i ever realized. it was really sweet. he told me once i was his best female friend. i didn't even know he considered me a friend. but i know now, that he really meant it. it made me sorry i didn't get to know him better.

so he's been calling me for no apparent reason lately. we talk about old times and what not, but he doesn't seem to have any agenda for calling me. i don't know if he's romantically interested in me anymore, but i know that i still have the hots for him. and that's why this whole situation kind of sucks.

i'm torn between waiting for joe and pursuing wes. i know i shouldn't wait for joe. i deserve to be happy now. but i'm not sure i could be happy with wes. our situation is especially akward since he was my best friends boy not that long ago. (not that she had any problem hooking up with my brother... grr...)

if i go after wes and find out things aren't going to work, will i have ruined my chances of getting back together with joe? he tells me he wants me to do whatever i have to do to be happy now, but i know he'd be hurt if i did this. i would be.

but if i stay with joe and he lets me down again, will i have lost what little chance i had with wes? why does this have to be so damn complicated?!

a few years ago this wouldn't have been that big of a deal. but as i've gotten older, my plans for the future have changed. i want a marriage. a family. i'm afraid if it doesn't start happenning soon, it never will.

grrr....

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