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too long [melo]

i haven't updated in a very long time. i'm sorry. i haven't had much to say.

i've been trying to figure out my situation with joe. i've realized that nothing is ever going to change between us. so i have to decide if want to be alone for a very long time while i try to find someone better or if i want to live like a fucking slave to joe.

is it sad that the slave option sounds more appealing? i'm just so terrified of being alone. i can't explain all the thoughts that go through my head. sad doesn't even begin to describe it. and i have visions or fantasies of cutting - or worse - and it scares me.

god. i don't ever want to do that again. but i know i'm not strong enough to stop this on my own. i need help. and, unfortunately, joe is the closest thing to help i can find. that means i'm using him. and that makes me a bad person. just one more thing to add to the list...

i accidentally told joe where to find this journal. it slipped. and i almost shit my pants when it happened. lucky for me nothing i say to him stays in his head for too long and he's probably forgotten all about it by now. it's not like the link wasn't right out in the open on my old webpage anyway. sigh... how can i still care about this jerk?

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