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i'm in love with a married man [melo]

well, technically, he's not married yet. but he's planning on it for next summer. and in the meantime, he's going to be a new dad.

and, since we're being truthful, i guess i'm really not in love with him. i'm in love with the idea of him. maybe love isn't even the right word. perhaps infatuated?

first, some history:

his name is ben. ben is joe's best friend since before i knew him. joe is the world's shittiest boyfriend whom you've all heard so much about. a few years ago, joe and i were on a break and ben and i had a one night stand. it was fun (while it lasted (30 seconds)), but it never went any further.

eventually, joe and i got back together. joe knew about ben and i, and we're all still good friends. no harm done. in the last few months of joe's and my relationship, and in the months after the break up, ben became my most trusted adviser and friend.

i guess i got to know him better than i ever had before. i learned a lot about his past and what makes him the ben i know and love. he helped reassure me that i deserve better than joe and that i would find it some day. it got me thinking about things that could have been.

now ben is about to be a father. he's got his mind set on taking care of his responsibilities and being a good father and husband. even though he and his girlfriend were on the verge of a break up before the pregnancy was discovered, he's just trying to do the right thing. and you have to respect that.

i totally respect that.

i want a man like ben, who loves me no matter what. who wants to take care of me and can. who realizes what he has to do to get by in life and does it.

maybe ben isn't perfect, but someone like him would be good enough for me.

sigh....

but he's not mine (and he never really was).

what's crazy, is that i've been having all sorts of sex dreams about him. obviously i would never act on the attraction--i'm no home-wrecker. but what's even crazier, is that now ben's having these dreams too.

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