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obsessive-compulsive

i love that there are people out there who "hate" me, yet can't wait for me to unlock my "friends only" entries so they can read them. and i love that they get hurt by what i say about them.

i don't really love that they hurt. but i love that, no matter how many times they say they don't care about me, what i have to say about them hits home. and you know why it does? because i'm right.

you are selfish.
you are immature.
you are lazy.
you are a liar.

i never tried to hurt anyone. i just told the truth. but they can't get enough of trying to bring me down. too bad for them, now that i've dropped all of their dead weight, i'm the happiest i've been in years. they can't hurt me because nothing they say means anything.

if they said i was selfish, i'd be a better friend. if they said i was immature, i'd take responsibility. if they said i was lazy, i'd get to work. if they said i was a liar, i'd tell the truth.

but when they say i'm a "fucking donkey slut," i just laugh.

obviously, they're not in any position to tell me how to live my life. and you know what? i don't need them to anyway. i don't know how it happened, but i'm finally 100% certain about the path of my life.

it's so weird to me, that after years of indifference and indecision, i should suddenly just know what i want and how to get it. i'm glad i do though. it is such a great burden off my shoulders. and, now that i can see where i want to go, i can also see which people (and things) are going to support my efforts and which one are going to hold me back. i no longer feel the need to be attached to everyone i've ever met, because i've finally realized that what i want is so much more important than what some selfish user wants to get from me.

XXX

and it's funny that they think they can use my depression and suicidal tendencies against me. (it's sickeningly hilarious that they would even want to.) i've only ever been embarrassed about that stuff to people that i cared very deeply about. and that's just because admitting the truth to them meant admitting that i didn't care enough not to hurt them in the process.

i haven't even cut in years. not when joe and i broke up. not when amber flipped out. and not when keri, jess and jamie jumped on the bandwagon. that says a lot about me, and even more about them. letting loose the ties of false friendship between all of them was more like a boon than a bane.

but i find it highly amusing that they tell me go cut myself or stab myself with pencils whenever i seem to have offended them. they think that hurts me, but it just makes me laugh. and i love that i can laugh about that sort of thing now. besides, i don't think they realize how much they say about themselves when they act out like that.

XXX

anyway, to the rest of my loyal readers, i hope you enjoy my writing as much as those girls seem to, because most of it is actually meant for you and not them.

i've found that it helps me so much to write out all of my joys and frustrations here so that i can look back on them when i need to. it helps me to remember why i do the things i do and that has made such a difference in my life this last year.

it also helps to see the reactions of my friends and not-so-friends here too.

so, thanks for reading. thanks for writing. thanks for commenting. and thanks for being you.

ex oh.

Comments

shakewell
Mar. 30th, 2004 07:51 am (UTC)
thanks
yep, once i stopped worrying about what other people thought of me, i started having a life that other people would actually care about. funny how that worked out.

i've stopped hoping that i can change every person i meet. i've stopped letting these losers hang around in the hopes that someday they will just realize what jerks they are.

now i just tell people what i think makes them a horrible person/friend. and if they can't take that and learn from it, then i know i'm much better off without them. there's no point in putting up with someone's negative shit if they're not giving at least twice that in positives.

thanks for the insight. your two cents are welocme anytime.
oscar_acosta
Mar. 30th, 2004 08:04 am (UTC)
Re: thanks
You know I think that's straight out of Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People"...giving two positives for every negative. I try to live my life like that...a lot of times it doesn't work out that way, but I figure being aware of my own behavior and working on my own self-betterment leads to a far more fulfilling life. Most of the losers will remain losers long after they've been forgotten.

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