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i never can remember why i tried to kill myself in high school. i don't think i ever knew. i'm pretty sure it wasn't any one thing, but i can't even recall what set me off. i guess that no one was listening that morning.

anyway...

i've been thinking a lot about killing myself lately. obviously, i'm not doing it. i'm not even trying. but i think about it all the time. it's like i told those doctors, that night in the ER, i can't promise i'll never consider it again.

i don't know what makes me so different from the people i most identify with. (my dad, my brother.) i honestly think that they would never even consider it. but, me, i can't get it out of my head.

oddly enough, i think what bothers me most is that if they did consider it, they probably wouldn't waste their waking lives considering it continuously; they'd just do it. and they'd do it right. the first time.

so, what the fuck...

like everytime (all the time) it's a myriad of things that's got me down. money being the forerunner. i owe more in two weeks than i make in a month and i'm still making stupid fucking mistakes that overdraft my bank account nearly every week.

i mean. honestly. i don't know why i bother.

i could declare bankruptcy, i guess, but i haven't even got any assets to keep and, with that in my file, i can't forsee ever getting any in the future.

i've applied for every mindless bullshit job i can find (and some decent ones too) but, as always, i can never even get a call back.

moreover, i'm realizing that i am never going to produce anything. offspring, ideas, inspiration.

i am. just. wasting. space.

and i still can't get motivated either way. i will always be wasting away until someone finally makes me stop.

Comments

( 4 comments — Say Something )
wuaped
Dec. 17th, 2008 12:30 am (UTC)
hmm well my advice is not to do it. i'm not going to pretend to be able to relate to suicide, but i can relate to an idea getting planted in your head and not going away. i have my own bad thoughts that i would rather not be there.
but yeah i don't have too many answers, but i can relate. it seems like you're facing a lot of the same feelings that i assume are typical to most of us in our mid to late 20s. you're not where you wanted to be at this point, and it seems like if you haven't gotten there yet, you're never going to so what's the point? i have a good job and keep up with my bills, but am 25 and never had a boyfriend, and it's been 3 years and i still don't really have friends in the city. it can be freakin lonely. just b/c you're around people and working a job, it doesn't mean either are fufilling enough to feel real.
so out of that i think the thing that's helping me out lately is realizing if i want to do everything i had planned on doing "sometime" i'm basically going to have to get started now. stuff like really seeing chicago, traveling, budgeting my money in an organized way, sending cards/letters to people, etc.
well, hopefully it helps you to know that. besides, if you made an impression on me 7 years ago through band practice that still makes me feel like commenting, i'm pretty sure you've already produced plenty on this world and are capable of doing much more.
ladyjay19
Dec. 17th, 2008 07:05 am (UTC)
this time last year i stopped driving my car because everytime i got behind the wheel id be flooded with thoughts of veering into traffic or off a bridge

and people would say

i know how you feel but i never believed them

there are really only two types of people

the ones that will always fight with suicidal thoughts

and those who dont

im so far away but im here and im listening
sexymathteacher
Dec. 18th, 2008 03:42 am (UTC)
there are days that the only thing keeping me from trying again is my no suicide pack with my former therapist. it sounds silly, and I didn't really take it seriously at the time. I still have days I really.....REALLY don't like my life and wish the pain would go away, but the pact keeps me from taking even my thoughts too far down that road.

find someone (I know I'm far, but I'd do it in a heartbeat) that you promise to call if you are sinking into that darkness.
elizabethford
Dec. 18th, 2008 06:44 pm (UTC)
the important thing to remember is that you are not alone, even if you feel that way. a lot of us have had similar thoughts/experiences and even if we can't pull you out of your funk, we will stand beside you and offer any help possible... you matter to a LOT of people, probably many more than you know.

i do understand that there are times when all the words or well-meant advice in the world doesn't matter. just take whatever you've got keeping you here today and hang on, and hope that tomorrow things will be better...
( 4 comments — Say Something )

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