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swell in real life

prepare yourselves, it's another substantial post.

after going off on such a bizarre tangent in my last non-twitter post, i feel as though i need to keep writing, so that i may wrangle my thoughts.

let me start slowly.



on friends
it's quite unfair of me to want my new friends to act as though they're old friends, especially when i neglect and mistreat those old friends. i am a jerk on both fronts and would do well to remember that, instead of throwing tantrums.

not that anyone sees my tantrums, all jumbled up in this rubik's cube of emotion.



on community
i'm still trying to figure out where i fit in. i want to do big things, but it's hard to do so with whispers from the middle of a crowd.

and i honestly can't tell if it's the people or the projects that inspires the most passion from me. i think that's probably a bad thing.



on bicycles
couple of big rides coming up. doable? impossible? i have no idea. but certainly fast-approaching.

cycling has been a great help in identifying many ways in which i limit myself and also ways in which i overextend.

still working on overcoming those issues.



on wrangling my thoughts

fail.

xxx

i used to think of writing as a way to get it all out. i often found myself admitting things on paper that i'd never really thought about until i was trying to fill those blank pages.

but now i wonder if those feelings were real, or if i just wrote them into existence. my weekend tangents seem so out of balance with how i was feeling.

i was living in the now. right up until i wrote that fucking entry.

and i'm not at all unhappy with this guy. he's not even asking for commitment. which doesn't even really matter, because i'm not even interested in anyone else at the moment.

maybe i'm tired. definitely i am. and hungry too. and distracted. now is not the time to tackle this existential crisis.

who knows where thoughts come from? they just appear.

my life is scattered, these days, and it shows.

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