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sound advice

people keep telling me that i should just do what makes me happy. in theory, it's great advice and i wholeheartedly agree. but, it glosses over the heart of my dilemma--i don't know what makes me happy.

more accurately, things that make me happy for a time also tend to make me quite unhappy some time later.

for example, i like to go to the bar with friends from work. i do not, however, like to have everyone else at work hear and then talk about what happened (and sometimes what didn't happen) at the bar.

i'd like to return to hawaii immediately, but i (for once) would not like to leave my employer in a bind by not fulfilling my commitment. i would also not like disappointing my friends in hawaii... again.

i'd like to go back to school, but i would not like to be another $10,000 in debt. i would also not like to fail.

right now, i just can't seem to decide what's most important in my life. maybe it's because nothing is at the moment. for a while, i think, i'd just like to sort of float through existence not making waves. i'm tired. even the things that i think make me happy end up making me sad, so why bother? i suppose some might argue that i'd be sad for the lack of effort, the what if's. i don't know.

it's just that time of year again. i'm sad for what i do and sad for what i don't do. i'm sad for all my faults and sad for everything out of my control.

yes, yes. just snap out of it. just be happy. i know, i know. so, shut up. i'm not seeking advice (and never was); it only makes me feel worse for going against what i should (and do) know already.

Comments

( 4 comments — Say Something )
quarantine
Nov. 20th, 2006 04:13 am (UTC)
All you can do is the best you can do.
xlucyxbrutalx
Nov. 20th, 2006 04:56 am (UTC)
I never meant to shove advice down your throat. I thought maybe a few nice words would make you feel better. I wrote a larger response to this but I am thinking it should be left to a personal conversation with you if that is you want to hear it. Frankly just advice from me if you are ever interested in hearing it let me know. I hope you feel better Amanda, truley I do.
shakewell
Nov. 20th, 2006 11:05 am (UTC)
i didn't say anything about "shoving advice down [my] throat." i do appreciate your interest in my life, however, i have heard that same line from absolutely everyone i've come in contact with this week... and i still can't seem to make it work for me (for the reasons explained above) so it's got me down quite a bit.

the advice is good. and, should i ever figure out how to follow it, i will.

if you feel you have more to say to me, feel free to drop me an email (or even say it here, it won't bother me). just because i'm not seeking advice, doesn't mean i shouldn't be... i mean, my life is just one long series of poor decisions, why should this be any different?

anyway, i'm sorry if i offended you. i did not mean to (and i rarely ever do). thank you for your time and interest; it's more than i deserve from you.
xlucyxbrutalx
Nov. 20th, 2006 01:20 pm (UTC)
You didnt offend me at all. I just wanted you to understand (if it was how you were feeling) that I never intended to give you advice you didnt want or didnt feel like hearing at the moment. I am really sorry you are down Amanda. I wish you all the best. If I have time later I will drop you an email. Hope you have a lovely day.
( 4 comments — Say Something )

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