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a clockwork black

i'm kind of falling apart this week, today especially. i'm stronger than the last time i was here, but i'm still backsliding. i'm still watching it happen.

i find myself prone to standing in front of mirrors when i get like this. it's incredibly hard to walk away and, often, i go right back. i don't do anything. i don't even cry anymore. i just stare. i guess it's my way of facing reality.

i wish i didn't care so much about what other people think of me. gossip is a wicked-sick knife. i confide in a few and then hear them dish about everyone else. i know it's only a matter of time before my words get back to me and through everyone else.

i'm hurting. but i don't know who to turn to anymore.

it wouldn't even matter. i'm conflicted within because i can't make everyone happy all of the time. i have to figure out where i stand and stop wavering between camps.

xxx

i got all dressed up and feeling reasonably good to go hang out with a good friend tonight. but i almost couldn't even make the phone call to tell them i wasn't coming. it took two hours and a beer to work up the nerve. but i DID make the call. so that's something.

it was a good conversation. i laughed and smiled. i vented and sought advice.

and now i'm kicking myself for not leaving this house and this funk behind me.

xxx

i think i have a handle on it, but, really, it's just dormant.

when it peaks, it's out of control.

i don't know what to do with myself.

Comments

( 4 comments — Say Something )
(Deleted comment)
shakewell
Nov. 21st, 2006 12:45 am (UTC)
thank you ma'am.
xlucyxbrutalx
Nov. 19th, 2006 05:38 pm (UTC)
You need to make yourself happy before you try to make everyone else happy. If you arent going to do anything about the way you feel then expect to wake up the same way everyday. You have to do something. I wish I could do or say something to make it better but I cant make a promise I know I cant keep. I am here. Offering freindship if you want it. But I dont know if thats what will help you. Only you can decide that. In my experience Its always been a choice. Good luck to you Lovely.
ladyjay19
Nov. 20th, 2006 05:52 pm (UTC)
I'm not the type of person who usually worries about what people think of me; in fact, I'm probably more indifferent than almost anyone else I know. It gets to everyone though sometimes, and when it does it's exhausting. The feelings of mediocrity that sort of seep in when I do start to worry are impossible to just brush off. I just keep trucking, like I'm sure you do too. I think it makes everyone to feel good though to know we're all brought down by the bad vibes of others. I hope you feel better.
shakewell
Nov. 21st, 2006 12:46 am (UTC)
it does and i do. thank you.
( 4 comments — Say Something )

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