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suicide is painless

a friend of mine committed suicide last week. we weren't that close but it's still messing with my head pretty good.

i think what's really bothering me is that i was just waking up from my overdose the day she died.

i felt pretty bad for my friends and her family during the funeral, but mostly what i thought about was how much i admired her. her courage. i guess i'm just one cry for help after another. i'm so completely codependent in every aspect of my life, even this is no different. but she knew what she wanted and she did what she had to do to get it.

i went to ninevah and madison to try to break out of my funk. i went from the pretty amazing high of eating what might as well be dieken's doughnuts with the long lost roguebadass to practically reliving my entire three-year relationship with jo3 in just a few short hours.

so...

i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't know why i can't control my thoughts. my reactions. i don't know why people are the only thing i place any importance on when it's people that hurt me most. (though i guess they probably wouldn't be able to hurt me if they weren't so important to me.)

i can't comprehend why what i think i am doesn't seem to be what i really am at all. i really feel like i'm losing my mind. this is no different than the paranoid anxiety of a bad trip, only i can't count on this wearing off in a few hours. i may be facing this everyday for the rest of my life. i simply don't know how to cope with this feeling for 70+ more years. i just can't imagine what could possibly be worth it. worse yet, i don't know how to deal with the fear that this will continue to get worse.

i used to be determined to get through/over this on my own. i don't think i can anymore. i went to my parents for help, but it only made things worse. i went to my friends, but they only let me down. if i have to do it on my own, i really don't think i can.

i'm afraid of the things i think about doing. that fear is the only thing holding me back. but as the days go on and the pain gets worse, i'm afraid that fear won't be enough anymore.

i've been considering some vacation time at the mental health hospital. but that's a burden and an embarassment in itself. whatever progress i made in there, i'm afraid a few hateful people could wreck it in no time at all. so, why bother?

but maybe that's just my brain getting the best of me.

i think of running away. of starting fresh. but i'm afraid we never really change at all.

Comments

( 16 comments — Say Something )
dano_rocks
Mar. 17th, 2006 04:06 am (UTC)
i'm sorry to hear about your friend. Was it a madison person?
shakewell
Mar. 17th, 2006 04:15 am (UTC)
thanks
no, greenwood.
gygaxis
Mar. 17th, 2006 04:34 am (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

You can beat your demons Ms. GoodTremors.

Are you taking care of yourself physically? Getting enough nutrients, working out at all, sleeping enough etc? Seemingly small things like that can have a big difference in terms of helping your mental health and overall happiness and if you're not doing those yet, I'd suggest adding it into your lifestyle, in the hopes of making things easier on yourself
shakewell
Mar. 17th, 2006 04:39 am (UTC)
ms. goodtremors?
i'm not even sure i want to know what thats about. lol.

my meals have been subjected to my ever dwindling budget, but yes, i do try to stay active. whenever it's possible i try to go for a run when i start thinking about suicide. sometimes that means barefoot or in the rain. but getting out there and feeling alive in every muscle really helps. as does coming home too exhausted for anything. ;) i probably need to be doing more in the inbtween times as well, though. thanks for the reminder.
gygaxis
Mar. 17th, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
Re: ms. goodtremors?
play on your handle, and didn't sound quite as dirty as goodvibes =X

Budgeting woe's suck =/ both in terms of lower food awesomeness and the increase in stressors associated with that. Good to hear you're staying active, I find it makes a huge difference for me when I'm not for too long.

Just wanting ta poke ya and remind you that your presence is wanted on das geosphere.
(Anonymous)
Mar. 17th, 2006 05:37 am (UTC)
seriously
get over yourself.
shakewell
Mar. 17th, 2006 05:39 am (UTC)
Re: seriously
i am. that's the problem.
(Deleted comment)
(Anonymous)
Mar. 17th, 2006 06:47 pm (UTC)
Re: seriously
oh wow you are really serious about your lj,,,dude grow up.
beatfreak
Mar. 18th, 2006 05:12 am (UTC)
"... i admired her. her courage."
Maybe it's just me, but even through my clinically-diagnosed depression where I felt like nothing could be better than just giving up and dying, I never once felt that suicide was the "courageous" way to deal with it. It's the coward's way out, Amanda, and I think that you know this. If you had no strength left in you, you wouldn't me alive. None of us would.
(Anonymous)
Mar. 19th, 2006 04:34 am (UTC)
why the hell would you admire for committing suicide? Do you know how many lives she ruined/altered/fucked up because she wanted to be selfish and didn't want to deal with what everyone deals with. That just shows she was weak. If you feel you are as weak as her please seek help immediately. Admiration is not the word you feel towards her. If you're embarrassed to go get the help that you so obviously desperately need then i feel sorry for you. If you were goin to kill yourself you would've already done it by now and not talked about it for years. I'm not saying go kill yourself by any means, but we're all tired of hearing about it. Why don't you ever write about hugs, puppies, and unicorns. Try it for a week, toss it around the office, see how it flies. If you don't like it then just send it right back. Jesus and i love you, amanda. Don't ever forget it!
shakewell
Mar. 20th, 2006 08:13 pm (UTC)
first, don't tell me what i feel. you don't know. what you know of my life comes from what i choose to tell you. you are not in my shoes. to completely dismiss my feelings in not only completely unhelpful and offensive, it's hardly an action of the love you claim to feel.

second, do you think about how many people probably ruined/altered/fucked up her life because they were selfish and didn't consider her feelings?

third, despite what you seem to think, depression is not a lifestyle choice for me. it has organic causes. i don't have the option of just turning it off like a switch. i can't just be happy. i can't even just pretend to be happy. my brain does not work like that (and i doubt yours does either).

fourth, if you're so tired of hearing about it, stop reading about it. stop pretending these silly anonymous comments you leave count as a relationship between us. being dissmissive of my feelings, my pain isn't love. it isn't friendship. and it isn't beneficial to me. hell, it isn't even nice.

you act like i've been talking about suicide for years because i'm bragging about it or something. yeah, there have been cries for help, but there have been several serious attempts as well. we all have our breaking points. you might be surprised how some insensitive comment from someone who claims to love you can tip the scales in a terrible, terrible way. how many lives have you altered because you just had to say your piece?

admiration is what i feel for her and disgust is what i feel for you. it's sad that a beautiful person like jen left this world before she even got to know it, before we even got to know her, but i really do think she is lucky that she doesn't have to put up with insensitive, selfish morons who use and abuse her anymore.

you think she was weak because she couldn't face the pain of this life. i say she was strong too because she made an incredibly difficult decision and she faced it alone.

i am weak because i am depressed. i am depressed because i am weak.
(Anonymous)
Mar. 21st, 2006 04:04 am (UTC)
Fuck what they say amanda. Personally I think you need to wake up and get rid of some of the people holding you down. I could name a couple here but I am not going too. I will say what I really need to say to you in private. I am sorry to hear about your loss. I have dealt with several suicides in my life as well and each one seems to get more and more painful.

CT
shakewell
Mar. 21st, 2006 06:15 am (UTC)
thanks.
(Anonymous)
Mar. 23rd, 2006 03:37 am (UTC)
Your welcome. Hold in there ok? You have too much to offer, you just dont see it yet.
one_message
Mar. 24th, 2006 06:52 am (UTC)
i think it's a good thing that you place importance on people; i think it's a bad thing to try and get through something difficult on one's own.

i hope you're getting better, I'm sorry about your friend.
shakewell
Mar. 24th, 2006 04:35 pm (UTC)
thank you.
( 16 comments — Say Something )

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